Sexual Assault Survivors Advocacy

Parenting is hard.  Really hard.  Parenting a child that has suffered a trauma is even harder.  This doesn't mean you failed or that your child did something wrong.  Neither are true.  But this is a time for you to step up and embrace your role in your child's life.  

Chances are that if you are reading this, you are already dealing with the aftermath of a trauma and are looking for help.  The road ahead will be long and difficult.  Your child is watching you and your reaction to what they have experienced.  They are looking for validation and reassurance from you. The absolute number one thing that a parent or supporter of a survivor can do is to believe your child.  If they had the courage to speak up and share their experience with you, they are telling the truth.  This is not the time to "check" their story or verify things they said.  

As parents, it's likely that we will immediately go into "fix-it" mode.  That could look like insisting the assault be reported to police or possibly even reaching out other the person who assaulted your child.  While that may feel like the right thing to do, it is critical that you pause and let the victim be part of that decision.  Stepping forward is a scary and huge step and the victim may not be ready for that.  

Parenting is hard.  Really hard.  Parenting a child that has suffered a trauma is even harder.  This doesn't mean you failed or that your child did something wrong.  Neither are true.  But this is a time for you to step up and embrace your role in your child's life.  

Chances are that if you are reading this, you are already dealing with the aftermath of a trauma and are looking for help.  The road ahead will be long and difficult.  Your child is watching you and your reaction to what they have experienced.  They are looking for validation and reassurance from you. The absolute number one thing that a parent or supporter of a survivor can do is to believe your child.  If they had the courage to speak up and share their experience with you, they are telling the truth.  This is not the time to "check" their story or verify things they said.  

As parents, it's likely that we will immediately go into "fix-it" mode.  That could look like insisting the assault be reported to police or possibly even reaching out other the person who assaulted your child.  While that may feel like the right thing to do, it is critical that you pause and let the victim be part of that decision.  Stepping forward is a scary and huge step and the victim may not be ready for that.  

Predators don't typically just pick a child at random.  They find the ones that they feel they can take advantage of with as little resistance as possible.  Oftentimes, they look for children in situations that will make them more accessible, such as:

• Single parent households
• Economically distressed homes
• Families dealing with significant issues such as divorce

In these situations, the predator will offer to pick the child up from school or take them to practice as a way to "help" which will endear them to the parent.  The predator is trying to make themselves out to be a hero and someone that can be trusted for support. 

Predators will learn as much information as possible to find the things that are most sensitive and potentially painful to use against them.   Predators will start small with little favors or even engaging in “adult” conversations. Most kids like feeling as if they are grown up and so when an adult talks about age inappropriate topics, the child feels like they are more mature than they are and feel as if they are ready for these things. They can very quickly get in over their heads and this is all be design on the part of the predator.  

The final piece of the grooming process is what happens after the sexual assault, what is known as maintenance behavior.  This is where the predator reminds the victim that they now have “dirt” on them. They will use this as leverage to hold over the head of their victim.  For example, during the grooming process, they may purchase alcohol for the child.  If the child accepted that alcohol, the predator will remind the child that they will get in trouble for accepting the alcohol so they better keep quiet.  This is when they begin to exert their control over the victim.  

This is especially apparent with the trading of nude photos.  The predator may offer a picture first but once the child reciprocates, the predator now has something on them to hold over their head.  

It all begins with the parent and making sure the child feels safe to say something.  The challenge is that this must be done BEFORE an assault.  As parents, we cannot simply profess, "You can always talk to me about anything" without doing all of the things necessary to make sure your child feels that way.  We have to be demonstrating this on a daily basis.  We demonstrate it in the small ways so that when the big things come up, they are looking to you first. If they are afraid to come to you for small things, it's likely they will be afraid to come to you for the big things.  

This is not to say that you should not be holding your children accountable for poor decisions, when they are responsible.  In those cases, it's important to focus on the behavior and not allow it to turn into a personal attack on them.  Children will make mistakes and poor decisions.  Our job is to love them and help them learn from those mistakes.   

But in the case of assault, they have zero responsibility.  The child should NEVER be blamed for an adult taking advantage of them.  If an adult is involved in anyway, that is the first person to bear responsibility.  

It's easy to want to immediately call the police or demand vengeance but this is where it's critical you manage your emotions. EVERYTHING you say or do must be in the best interest of your child.  If your child is frightened about speaking up and reporting the assault, you must listen to them.  Do not allow your emotions to take over.  Your child has been violated, you cannot add to their trauma by reporting it when they are not ready to.  At the moment, your job is to love them and believe them and make them feel safe.  That's it.  They need to know they are the most important thing in the world at that very moment.